


in whatever way you would have me

by bubbleTeaAndHotChocolate



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, JYJ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Happy Ending, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:54:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27787084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bubbleTeaAndHotChocolate/pseuds/bubbleTeaAndHotChocolate
Summary: Jaejoong and Yunho have been best friends since their first day of high school. But everything will change when they go to college, and Jaejoong is about to realize something that could ruin their friendship forever.
Relationships: Jung Yunho (DBSK)/Kim Jaejoong
Comments: 6
Kudos: 23





	1. History Class

Chapter 1

History was Jaejoong’s favorite class.

He sat at his desk, doodling in his notebook a little as the teacher listed the inventions created during King Sejong’s rule. Then he shifted his pencil to his left hand and tried to copy the names of the inventions from the board. Jaejoong had decided to practice writing with his non-dominant hand every day in the hopes of becoming ambidextrous. Besides, having already read the chapter, he was a little bored. Since he liked history, he read ahead most of the time. That was the main reason, anyway.

Jaejoong shifted his eyes to the left for just a few seconds to look out the window, then looked back down at his notebook. His other reason was outside, playing soccer in the physical education class he had this period.

Jung Yunho smiled and laughed as he easily dodged around other players, taking the soccer ball with him. Normally, Jaejoong had a simple stance on things like sweaty hair and stained uniforms: he didn’t tolerate it at all. He understood it was part of gym class and life in general, but he had to work hard not to be bothered by it. It was barely fine to be messy and whatnot for a small while, as long as he was sure everything would be clean and neat by the end of it.

But this year, for the first time, Yunho had physical education while Jaejoong had history. As in, the only class held in this room. Which happened to be the only room with windows facing the yard where physical education was held (when the weather was good enough). And suddenly, the crawling feeling he usually got all over his body at the thought of sweat and grass stains was numbed by the sheer force of Yunho’s grin.

It was stupid, really. He saw Yunho every day. Had met him, three years ago, in this very classroom on the first day of high school. Knew, just like everyone else did, that Yunho was popular, and smart, and handsome. Yet instead of fading into the background as he became Yunho’s best friend, these facts had recently started to make his stomach jump in weird ways. As though he was supposed to _do_ something about them.

This had to be the 3rd year stress everyone talked about. Jaejoong was worried about too much, and now his brain was just latching onto anything, unable to calm down. The pressure to divine a sharp and clear vision of his future was like a workout, and the leftover adrenaline it caused was being used for stuff like this. The sharp pang in his chest he felt every day as he snuck glances at Yunho playing outside. The panic building in his throat as he thought about going to school away from his sister Sooyoung, for the first time ever. Or going to college away from Yunho. Although that last one wasn’t a given.

The glass between them absorbed most of the sound, but Jaejoong could still hear the cheers from the boys outside as Yunho scored a goal. He returned to his doodling, his smile small and tight. One day, Yunho was bound to realize what Jaejoong had in the first week of high school. Yunho was cool and popular. He was fun to be around and would surely have his pick of friends no matter where he went. Jaejoong couldn’t for the life of him figure out why Yunho had chosen him of all people to be best friends with, and he worried that Yunho would realize that in college.

No matter what, everything would change when college rolled around, and Jaejoong wasn’t ready for it at all. Even though life wasn’t exactly easy currently, he was at least adjusted to it. Right now, he just wanted to freeze Yunho’s stunning smile and live in it just a bit longer.

The bell rang, and Jaejoong jumped a little. Then he looked back down at his notes and sighed.

He had drawn a somewhat asymmetric _hyeonjullgu._ And right next to that, a suspiciously tall boy with a soccer ball.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hyeonjullgu: Dangling bead sundial, one of the inventions sponsored by King Sejong.  
> So it turns out I really like comments, please tell me how you think I’m doing! I might be too scared to respond to them, but I read all of them!


	2. Fistfight

Chapter 2

It was quite ironic that for how much time Jaejoong spent with Yunho in general, and watching him in particular, he managed to miss the most famous moment of his high school career. To be fair, the class had just been walking in groups to the library for presentations. There had been no indication that anything was about to happen.

The students were allowed to talk as long as they did it in respectful whispers, as they were still in school. Jaejoong kept having to duck his head a little to hear his sister, even though they were walking next to each other. This was the only class Jaejoong had with Sooyoung, and by luck when they’d drawn names they were placed in the same group. Many people assumed that the two were twins since they were in the same grade, but that wasn’t true. In reality, Jaejoong was adopted, but he kept it secret. It wasn’t clear whether his birth father would try to take him away if he found out where he was. Jaejoong didn’t need to find out, and he didn’t need the additional drama of people whispering about him all the time. So for as long as he could remember, he had pretended his actual birthday was his legal birthday, and that him and Sooyoung were twins. Most of the time it was a fun little secret, especially when people fawned over them and commented on how similar they looked. People really did see what they wanted to.

The class was almost to the library when Jaejoong heard some sort of scuffle behind him, followed by a shriek. He turned, completely unprepared for the sight of Yunho and another 3rd year grappling on the floor. There was so much movement it took Jaejoong a few seconds to figure out who Yunho was fighting with: Lee Jiwon, who had been walking behind him.

_Wait, he was behind me, and I thought Yunho was behind him… doesn’t that mean Yunho started it?_

Jaejoong didn’t have time to ponder this. Yunho was yelling, “Say it again! I dare you! Say it!” He punched Jiwon in the stomach, and the sound propelled Jaejoong forward. He grabbed Yunho’s arms, pulling him off. Both students were disheveled. Their ties were askew, their uniforms newly wrinkled.

“Stop, Yunho, stop! What the hell!” Jaejoong had never felt scared of Yunho, and only a few seconds in he was realizing he hated the feeling. Yunho went still, but Jaejoong kept gripping his arms anyway. Jaejoong could hear Yunho breathing hard, and he seemed to be shaking a little. The other students were crouching next to Jiwon, and their teacher was helping him get up. Sooyoung had frozen in place, looking from Yunho to Jiwon and back again. Yunho looked completely unscathed, and it was becoming fairly obvious he had indeed started the fight. Which meant Jaejoong had little time to get the truth out of him before he was sent to the office.

“Yunho, what happened? What did he say?” Jaejoong asked, his voice soothing. “You can tell me, promise-”

“Don’t talk to him, ever again,” Yunho growled. “Even if he tries to say sorry.” Jaejoong blinked in confusion, his grip slackening. What did he have to do with any of this? He hadn’t even seen the fight!

Yunho shook himself free and walked towards the director’s office. Jaejoong watched him, filled with the inexplicable need to follow.

The news spread through the school faster than last season’s flu. People kept asking Jaejoong what had happened, but all he could say was he honestly had no idea. Such was Yunho’s golden reputation that everyone felt he must have had some sort of reason, and they were dying to figure it out. Jiwon didn’t clarify matters either. Hours later, Jaejoong was sitting in cram school, still feeling a strange mix of confusion and betrayal. Yunho simply wasn’t… like this. He didn’t let his temper get the better of him. Until today, Jaejoong hadn’t even been aware that Yunho really had one to begin with.

“He just moped around,” Sooyoung said, pulling out her books. “He said Yunho should’ve minded his business and not eavesdropped, but he wouldn’t repeat whatever he said.” She looked over at Jaejoong and shook his shoulder. “Hey, it’s alright. Everyone will forget in a few days, and nothing will happen to Yunho.”

Jaejoong stared off into space and nodded. He knew all this. What he didn’t understand was why Yunho wasn’t responding to any of his texts. Not telling him what the fight was about was one thing, but not even telling Jaejoong whether he was alright? Or if he’d even come to cram school tonight? Jaejoong was his best friend of three years, not a random member of the rumor mill at school. This was _him._ The only person Yunho had told when his grandfather got sick. And when he’d passed away, Jaejoong had found Yunho breaking down in the bathroom. Yunho had hugged Jaejoong and cried into his shoulder, and to this day Jaejoong hadn’t told anyone, not even Sooyoung. Why couldn’t Yunho trust him now? Especially when it seemed Jaejoong was involved somehow?

Buried under all these questions was the growing fear that maybe Jaejoong didn’t really know who Yunho was at all, and that bothered him the most. The doubt had grown through the day, corroding his trust in Yunho like rust did with metal.

Someone slid into the seat on Jaejoong’s other side, and he automatically straightened. So Yunho wasn’t skipping tonight after all. Jaejoong leaned towards him, but Yunho spoke before he could get a word out.

“Don’t,” he said, his voice hard. Then he turned to Jaejoong. “Do you trust me?”

Jaejoong didn’t hesitate. “Yeah.”

The corners of Yunho’s lips turned up. “Then trust me, he deserved it. And we shouldn’t talk to him anymore.”

Jaejoong frowned a little, still upset. But the session was about to start. “Then… don’t do it again, okay? Promise?” _I don’t want to be afraid of you, ever._

“I won’t. I’m sorry, alright?” Yunho said, solemn. Then he reached over and squeezed Jaejoong’s leg. “Promise.”


	3. Paper Cranes

Chapter 3

Yunho stretched his arms behind his head, dropping something on Jaejoong’s desk. They could text like normal people (every other student in this class), but notes were… better. As for Jaejoong’s constant fear that a teacher would take one and read it out loud, Yunho had sworn he’d just eat the paper before the teacher got to it. So far, they hadn’t needed to resort to that.

Jaejoong looked at the object on his desk. Yunho had folded a paper crane and written “cheer up!” on the side. He traced the letters with his finger, his smile fond. This was another thing you couldn’t do with text. And strangely, he did feel better, even if one origami crane changed absolutely nothing. He hadn’t done as well on the last round of tests as he had wanted to, and college decisions were out tomorrow. His most recent set of grades could decide everything if he was on a waitlist.

 _Easy for you to say,_ Jaejoong wrote back. Then he changed the subject. _You’re good at cranes, teach me? When’d you learn, thought your family hated Japanese stuff?_ He slowly tore the corner off his notebook paper so the teacher wouldn’t hear, then gently pressed it to Yunho’s shoulder. Yunho reached back like he was rubbing his neck, and his fingers brushed Jaejoong’s for just a second before taking the note.

Jaejoong’s heart raced at the contact, and he chalked it up to the covertness of the whole thing. This was their tradition in the classes they had together, and Jaejoong was going to miss it next year. Even if they went to the same university, they would be in different majors, Jaejoong in graphic design while Yunho started undecided. The note passing wouldn’t be possible. A lot of Yunho’s family worked in stuff like government and law, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to follow. His family was a little strict, quite religious and very anti all things Japanese. Though origami was pretty big in Korea, and had its own name ( _jongijeobgi_ ), Jaejoong had a good enough intuition about them at this point to guess that they wouldn’t be too excited about Yunho taking it up.

A small, crumpled ball of paper almost hit Jaejoong in the face. He opened it inside his desk, still in wonder at how Yunho had thrown it behind himself without looking away from the board.

 _Hiding them in my room. Come for dinner and see?_ Jaejoong frowned slightly. He knew he was going to feel jittery until admission results came out. Maybe even after, too.

He flipped the paper over and wrote. _I won’t be any fun. Why’re you keeping them, just throw the practice ones away._ Yunho jerked in his seat a little when Jaejoong stuck the ball of paper in the collar of his school uniform, and Jaejoong smirked, feeling privileged somehow. If it was anyone else Yunho might have reflexively punched them.

Yunho’s notes were like his texts: short and full of incomplete sentences where he could manage. _You’re always fun. 1000 cranes._

Once, Yunho had tried to teach Jaejoong basketball at the abandoned hoop near his house. That was how he found out that two of his sisters were way better at it than him. It appeared the only way for Jaejoong to consistently score a point was for Yunho to lift him and walk him up right next to the hoop. After Yunho put Jaejoong down, he had mumbled about how not even wishing on a thousand cranes would make him better at this. Yunho was confused, having never heard the Sadako and a thousand cranes story before.

Jaejoong was curious, and he hadn’t realized Yunho even remembered the story. When they got to Yunho’s place, he was immediately handed a shirt and ushered into the bathroom to change. Jaejoong had long since given up on convincing Yunho that it was fine if he stayed in his school uniform. They both knew Jaejoong was fussy about keeping it perfect and couldn’t afford a new one if anything happened to this one. And although he’d never admit it to anyone, the way Yunho’s shirts were a little too big for him felt strangely comforting, like a hug.

Yunho started pulling paper cranes out of drawers and shelves the moment Jaejoong walked out of the bathroom, and Jaejoong’s jaw dropped. Then he turned and locked the bedroom door. Forget anti-Japanese sentiment, even _his_ parents wouldn’t tolerate the mess of a thousand paper cranes in his room. _Will he really fold a thousand of them? They won’t fit in here, will they?_

“What’s your wish, Yunho?” Jaejoong said, gingerly sitting on the bed to avoid crushing Yunho’s precious work. He picked up a red crane that caught his eye, handling it gently. Yunho was using actual _jongijeobgi_ paper, and the thin sheets were colored with assorted designs.

He felt a little relieved at this. The cheer up crane he’d received from Yunho this afternoon probably wasn’t fancy enough to make the cut, meaning it could stay in Jaejoong’s homeroom cubby. And perform its duty of cheering Jaejoong up on future occasions.

Yunho sat down next to him, slinging his arm around Jaejoong’s shoulder. “Can’t tell you, or it won’t come true.” Jaejoong bit back his retort. He couldn’t remember that even being part of the legend, but it didn’t really matter. Yunho probably just didn’t want to tell him, and Jaejoong was patient enough to wait and find out.

“They’re so good,” Jaejoong said, his tone reverent. He gently tapped Yunho’s nose with the nose of the crane he was holding. He felt like he was seeing a secret work of art, and it made him feel special. Being someone Yunho shared things with could make anyone feel special, he thought. It was plain economics, wasn’t it? If something was rare or private, its worth was just higher. And if you had access to it, your worth went up, too.

Knowing anything about Yunho besides that he was popular and the factors that made him such was probably the most unique part of Jaejoong’s identity at school. Other students didn’t hate Jaejoong or anything, but sometimes he got the feeling they were jealous. Or just confused about why popular, athletic, handsome Yunho spent so much time with someone a bit lower-class who couldn’t play sports at all, instead of someone more at his social level. It bothered Jaejoong a little, sometimes. But right now, Jaejoong was the one ensconced in Yunho’s room, holding something valuable. Jaejoong knew about Yunho’s strawberry obsession, and Yunho knew what flavors of chips he liked. Jaejoong knew who the watch on Yunho’s wrist came from, and he had comforted Yunho when that person had died. Yunho knew about Jaejoong’s ever growing mountain of anxieties. Yunho did things like make him eat and make him cheer up cranes. Actions just for him. Yunho wasn’t mean to other people. It was just that he spent extra time figuring out what helped Jaejoong, time he didn’t spend on other people, because Jaejoong was important to him. It meant more to Jaejoong than he’d ever admit to Yunho’s face.

Tomorrow, maybe everything would change. Tomorrow, maybe the path they were walking on together would split, and they would walk further apart every day. But right now, sitting on Yunho’s bed and cradling a perfectly folded crane, Jaejoong realized something he had perhaps known subconsciously since his first year of high school. The value of his relationship with Yunho was immutable, something as steady as gold or silver or diamonds, even though he couldn’t hold it in his hands. Even if it became only a memory and not something growing in the present, he would treasure it forever.

It was incredible, really, Jaejoong thought. The same fingers that could break wood with a single strike had secretly folded dozens of these wonderfully delicate creations. The same ones distractedly tracing circles on Jaejoong’s shoulder. “It doesn’t say anywhere that you have to use the fancy paper, Yunho,” he said quietly, as though the birds were all real and could fly away at any moment.

Yunho grinned, and suddenly Jaejoong wondered what he could have wished for that he couldn’t just… have. If Yunho asked him to do something while grinning at him like this, he’d probably do it. Wouldn’t anyone else? “Yeah, but what do I always say?”

Jaejoong huffed. “The worst bug… is half-heartedness.” The pun didn’t sound nearly as cool and inspirational when he said it, but Yunho ruffled his hair proudly anyway.

“Correct.” He plucked the crane from Jaejoong’s hand by its tail. “Now, do you want me to leave so you can panic alone, or…?” Having nothing to play with anymore, Jaejoong clasped his hands together in his lap. He could feel the stress build again.

“Would you really kick yourself out of your own room if I asked?” Jaejoong asked, touched.

Yunho snorted. “Yeah, that’s not even hard. The food is in the kitchen!” Jaejoong hugged him quickly, laughing.

“Let’s just play Starcraft,” he said, getting up. “I hope your wish comes true, Yunho.”

Yunho avoided his gaze, looking at the crane in his hands instead. “I hope so too.”

The next day, Jaejoong fiddled with his own crane at lunch while others checked their phones for the admissions email. He hadn’t planned out how he wanted the whole finding out which colleges accepted him thing to go. All he knew was he definitely didn’t want to do it _here,_ with all the other students around.

Yunho pulled the crane from Jaejoong’s hands and put a steamed bun there instead. “Eat,” he commanded, leaving no room for argment in his tone.

Jaejoong held his hand in front of his mouth so Yunho couldn’t see him chewing. “You’re not going to ask?”

Yunho shook his head, gathering the kimchi in his lunch tray with his chopsticks. “I know you haven’t opened it.” Then he looked up and met Jaejoong’s eyes. “You know you’re smart, right? Random people on an admissions’ committee won’t change my mind, and it shouldn’t change yours, either.”

When Yunho stated things like that, so confident and sure of himself, whatever he said sounded true. Jaejoong watched him eat, suddenly feeling too afraid to ask whether Yunho had checked his own emails. “If we… if we go to different places…”

“I’ll call you, I’ll write letters if I have to. Kim Jaejoong, don’t insult me like that,” Yunho teased. “Now you’ve scared me, seriously. You’ll be my roommate if we go to the same place, won’t you?”

Truth be told, Jaejoong was aware that best friends didn’t always make great roommates. But lately, when he watched Yunho playing outside during history class, he’d started fantasizing about living with Yunho. Alone, just the two of them. He felt something approaching jealousy when he thought of Yunho having anyone else as his roommate, and he didn’t really understand why. He felt a little guilty and selfish about feeling that way, but still.

“For sure,” he answered, and a smile spread over Yunho’s face.

After classes let out, Jaejoong suddenly didn’t want to walk home without knowing. He loved his family to death, but it was just too much. And there were Sooyoung’s results, too. They weren’t competing or anything, but it would be unfair if one of them was sad and the other was happy. He shuddered. What a weird mood that would make.

Before fully processing what he was doing, he grabbed Yunho’s hand and pulled them into an empty classroom. Yunho squeezed his hand before letting go, and Jaejoong realized he wanted a hug. Really, really, badly. But he could feel his heartbeat in his throat, and he didn’t know how to ask.

“Jaejoong, hey.” Yunho said, his voice calm. “Do you want me to check it for you? Or we can check ours together?”

 _He hasn’t checked? All day?_ This felt out of character. “You haven’t looked either?”

Yunho shook his head and shrugged, his tone casual. “No, in case you wanted to see together.” Jaejoong didn’t want to, but his heart fluttered a little anyway. Last year they had checked their rankings together, but that was different. Lee Yoonjin, a math-obsessed but otherwise nice classmate, had been calculating their class rankings for fun since freshman year. She had predicted that both Yunho and Jaejoong would be in the top 10%, and she had been right. College admissions were much more subjective, and there was just no guarantee. But because of this, unbidden, Yunho had abstained from checking his phone all day. Just on the off chance that Jaejoong had wanted them to do it together. A simple “thank you” wouldn’t be nearly sufficient to say what he felt now, but he tried regardless.

“Oh, Yunho… you didn’t have to… thank you. So much.” Jaejoong paused to take a deep breath. “I want to check alone, but can you just… be here?” _And hug me, please, please._

Yunho sat down on the desk so he was next to Jaejoong and put one arm around him, covering his eyes with his other. “You’re not breathing, by the way,” Yunho said, sounding concerned.

Right. Jaejoong tried to remember that as he took out his phone. He’d check SNU’s results first, he decided. That was the top choice anyway.

He checked the notification, then checked the other emails in shock. Yunho stiffened a little in surprise when Jaejoong wrapped his arms around him, probably because he had dutifully kept his eyes covered and not seen it coming. “I got into Seoul National,” he whispered into Yunho’s uniform shirt, his eyes closed. “Some of the others rejected me, but whatever. Check yours. If you want. I feel bad you didn’t.”

He smiled as Yunho folded his arms around him. “Congratulations!” Yunho whispered back, his voice warm and soft. Jaejoong’s heart flooded with affection. “And alright, but you don’t say anything, either.” Jaejoong loosened his arms, but Yunho wrapped his fingers around his wrist. “Stay, please.”

Jaejoong complied and kept hugging him. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d refused Yunho, and he wasn’t about to start now. The room was quiet except for their breathing. He put his head on Yunho’s shoulder while he waited, turning his head away from Yunho’s phone.

The adrenaline was wearing off a little, and he was starting to feel sleepy. The feeling of relief had settled and surrounded him like a blanket. He could feel Yunho’s pulse at this collarbone against his cheek, and the little organ pounded against Yunho’s chest so hard Jaejoong could feel it in his arms. “Your heart’s racing, Yunho.” Had his been jumping like this, too?

Yunho hummed a little in acknowledgement, sounding tense. Then he carefully raised his shoulder, urging Jaejoong to get up.

Once he was out of Jaejoong’s arms, Yunho suddenly kneeled on one knee, holding his phone so the screen faced Jaejoong. He was smiling so brightly the light filtering in from outside was reflecting off his teeth. “Will you be my roommate, Kim Jaejoong?” He asked, his voice filled with mirth.

Jaejoong laughed and pulled Yunho to his feet for a proper hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The half-heartedness pun is a real thing Yunho said on Knowing Brothers, and he’s quite famous for it now.  
> I swear Jaejoong said he played a videogame called Starcraft when he was younger, and that he was good at it.  
> I have nothing against other universities, I just keep using SNU because I’m too lazy to look up a bunch of stuff for the others.


	4. Field Trip

Chapter 4

Jaejoong didn’t mean to sound ungrateful, but perhaps he was cursed. The last few weeks of 4th year were supposed to be relaxing compared to the rest of it. Admissions decisions were out, and finals were almost only a formality. They were finally taking the senior field trip to Jeju they had heard stories about and waited for their entire high school careers. And yet, Jaejoong was feeling jittery again.

It had taken him a week to figure it out. He had become aware of several things, starting with the fact that watching Yunho during history class made him feel both happy and… not. He kept feeling that Yunho wasn’t standing close enough, yet not far away enough, either. Yunho’s cheer up crane had somehow become a talisman he wanted to carry around, even though he’d never been superstitious before. All of Jaejoong’s drawings had some feature of Yunho in them, whether it was a mole at the corner of the lip, long legs, artfully ruffled hair, or a breathtaking grin he could never seem to get quite right. It was as though to Jaejoong, Yunho personified what a man should be.

Then came the Friday of the long-anticipated Jeju field trip, and Yunho had put his head on Jaejoong’s shoulder to sleep. Realization slammed into Jaejoong so hard all his drowsiness evaporated on the spot. He didn’t want to be _like_ Yunho. He _wanted_ Yunho.

Did he just enjoy trouble? Had his brain noticed it hadn’t had anything serious to panic about in a while and then saddled him with this? How had this started? _When_ had it started? There were thousands of moments shared between them, and Jaejoong had no clue which had tipped the scale for him. Had it been when he had stepped into Yunho’s room for the first time? When Yunho had entered his? When he started spying on Yunho’s physical education class? When Yunho had given him the cheer up crane? When he’d held Yunho as he cried, the day after his grandfather passed? When he’d held Yunho in the classroom another day, sharing the joy of his college acceptance with him? A minute later, when Yunho kneeled for Jaejoong as a joke? Or was it simply that he didn’t know when, because he had always been this way? Had he wanted Yunho the moment they met, in history class that first day of high school, as Yunho turned to pass him the homework with that lovely smile on his face?

Yunho shifted a little, subconsciously burrowing deeper into Jaejoong’s shoulder. Little puffs of air ghosted into the space in front of them, as Yunho continued to sleep unaware of the massive imbalance in their relationship. Yunho had taken something from him, and as a result everything between them meant infinitely more to Jaejoong than it could to Yunho. On top of that, Yunho was blissfully ignorant of what he had done. How could he not be? There was no way Yunho could know something that Jaejoong had just figured out about himself a few minutes ago.

Still, as he turned his head a little to let his nose brush Yunho’s hair, he couldn’t help smiling. He felt lucky, somehow. And incredibly guilty, as though he had tricked Yunho into something. In a few months, he would move into an apartment with Yunho as his roommate. It seemed wrong to do that when he now knew his intention was quite different from what they had agreed on.

When they reached the hotel, Jaejoong gently shook Yunho awake. Yunho mumbled sleepily, and his low, rough voice made Jaejoong’s chest ache. Was it going to be like this from now on?

There was one way to stop this, Jaejoong pondered as the class rolled their luggage into the lobby and waited for the teachers to check them in. He could confess to Yunho. But that involved gambling with what was possibly the most important non-familial relationship in his life. He couldn’t bear to do it.

But could he bear this? Living with Yunho would only make his desire grow. Being his roommate this weekend would, too. Every friendly touch and smile would leave a bittersweet taste in his mouth and perpetuate a strange sort of starvation that spread through his body, even to the tips of his fingers. He could feel it now, watching Yunho sit at the piano in the lobby. The overpowering need, the itch to go and sit next to him. He had been feeling this way for a long time and handled it just fine. But that was before he had known. Now, not only could he not remember a time when he hadn’t felt like this, but it seemed like he couldn’t handle a minute more.

And yet, he managed. He stood behind Yunho as he tapped out “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” on the piano, pushing the keys only partway to avoid being too loud. Yunho did have such lovely fingers, and Jaejoong desperately wished to pick up his hand and kiss every single one. Oh, how would he ever sleep tonight? How would he sleep ever again, without the soft background noise of Yunho’s even breathing, the warm weight of his head on Jaejoong’s shoulder?

“Did you take lessons or something?” Jaejoong asked, sitting down next to Yunho and telling himself this would have to be enough.

Yunho frowned at the keys, clearly trying to remember the rest of whatever he was playing now. “No, my sister did.”

He played a little bit of something that sounded classical, the kind of fancy piano piece that played in the background in expensive restaurants on TV. “How do you get both your hands to move like that? I’d have so much trouble with my left hand.” Jaejoong said, his tone admiring. Yunho, being left-handed, probably had the opposite issue.

“You practice one hand at a time. Also, I’m still ambidextrous.”

Jaejoong elbowed him, more for the simple contact than anything else. “Still?” He knew that tone. There was a story there.

“My parents tried to make me use my right hand when I was a kid.” Yunho looked at Jaejoong expectantly, but Jaejoong shook his head slightly, confused. “That whole ‘the devil is left-handed’ thing? Grandfather yelled at them that it was stupid, and they stopped.”

Jaejoong knew this tone, too. He should change the subject. “Teach me, would you? I’m not completely ambidextrous, but I can write with my left hand.” Yunho smiled, and Jaejoong melted a little.

“Really? Show me, when we get to our room. Here, copy what I’m doing…”

A few minutes later, Jaejoong’s heart was threatening to hammer itself out of his chest. Yunho had showed him what keys A through G looked like, and now he was sort of playing the right hand for Fur Elise. To show him how to play, Yunho frequently took his hand and pushed Jaejoong’s fingers with his own. Jaejoong’s breathing was faltering as much as the melody he was learning.

After a few minutes, he noticed Yunho was staring at something on the wall in front of them. A giant poster, stating that Jeju Island was one of the 7 wonders of nature.

Yunho turned to Jaejoong, his smile fond. “You’re the history person, what do you know about Jeju?”

“It’s mostly made of lava.” Yunho looked suspicious. “I’m serious! It was made by volcanoes!”

Yunho’s gaze turned pensive, and Jaejoong let his fingers do a little nervous dance across the piano keys, touching them all but not actually pushing them. “Why didn’t you major in history? You like it so much.”

“It wouldn’t be fun anymore,” Jaejoong answered. The lobby lights were dim, and other students were falling asleep in their friends’ laps. The sight was tempting, and Jaejoong blinked hard. “I study it for fun, when I want to.”

Yunho worried his lip with his teeth and Jaejoong wanted to tell him to stop. But it wasn’t his fault Jaejoong couldn’t look at him normally anymore. “I hope I can pick something after first year,” he said quietly. “I hope I pick right.”

He was still bothered about going undecided, then. Jaejoong reached out and squeezed his hand, then quickly retreated, unable to trust himself. “You will. You’re good at a lot of things.” Yunho smiled at him, and Jaejoong’s thoughts went fuzzy.

He couldn’t imagine risking this. The way Yunho smiled at him, the way he told Jaejoong his secret worries and insecurities. Jaejoong belonged at his side, and maybe the pain of his own secret was the price he had to pay to stay there.


	5. Cologne

Chapter 5

Yunho was avoiding him. There was no way around it. Being at class, the library, or with friends all the time was one thing, but Yunho wasn’t answering texts properly. He hadn’t been for the last week. And right after Jaejoong had gotten used to the sight of him in pajamas with messy hair in the morning, too. Yunho looked softer and more approachable like that, even more so when he wore his cute round glasses, and for the first weeks of university it had driven Jaejoong insane. It brought his stupid, impossible domestic fantasies to life, and he wanted to hate Yunho for it.

But he had also wanted to kiss Yunho good morning because of it. Living with him felt like getting a taste of something he hadn’t even known he wanted before it was whisked away. Yunho brushed past Jaejoong to get things, closed his eyes and moaned in delight when he ate Jaejoong’s food, and stayed up late with him watching TV. It seemed that for each minute he spent with Yunho, a million new fantasies and wishes bloomed in his mind.

At least, until recently. Nowadays, Yunho came home late at night, when Jaejoong was already asleep, and left for class or the library early in the morning, while Jaejoong was still getting dressed. Jaejoong hadn’t actually seen him for days. It was as though he was living with a ghost. An exceedingly friendly ghost, one that did dishes and such, but still. And yet, Jaejoong’s attraction to him was deepening even when he wasn’t around. This was his fault for always noticing things, really. You couldn’t be haunted if you didn’t see all the signs in the first place. Yunho had started cleaning more and trying to be neater in general, even though Jaejoong had only mentioned it offhandedly once. He no longer just kicked off his shoes when he entered the apartment, and he didn’t leave his backpack next to the door anymore either.

And, oh, the notes. Yunho had taken to leaving notes for Jaejoong on the mornings that he left first. Colored sticky notes on the fridge that said things like “Good luck on your test!” and “Don’t forget to eat!”, and Jaejoong kept them all like the sentimental hoarder he was, sticking them on his desk, his mirror, his notebooks. He started writing back, too. It had become part of his routine, standing in their kitchen while cooking breakfast, agonizing over every word, feeling both shy and stupidly in love.

Jaejoong had been distracting himself with work and friends, but now he sat alone in their apartment, and he couldn’t take it anymore. The slight jealousy he had felt before when he watched Yunho from his seat in history class had grown into a festering mold of insecurity now that Yunho wasn’t around to keep those thoughts away. It was idiotic and self-centered, he knew. Yunho had so much warmth and fun to give to the world, and Jaejoong had no right to hoard it.

But he did have the right to know if it was his fault Yunho was never home anymore, didn’t he? And he had to do a presentation in class tomorrow. Letting a boy get in the way of his grades? Sooyoung would never let go of that. So he texted Yunho a quick “ _Hey, are you mad at me?”_ and flung his phone onto the couch next to him.

When Yunho called him instead of texting back, Jaejoong became startlingly aware of the fact that he hadn’t heard Yunho’s voice in days. Feeling increasingly pathetic, he sank into the couch and let his eyes flutter shut, pretending that Yunho was standing in front of him.

“Hey, why would you think that? Did you do something I don’t know about?” He sounded worried, and Jaejoong hated that. That was his fault. He was beginning to realize that carrying around all these feelings instead of telling Yunho was not as selfless as it seemed. The frustration of being so close to what he wanted and yet so far away was bubbling up inside of him, and it would spill over onto Yunho.

 _Yeah, I did do something, actually. And even you can’t fix it._ “No, you’re just never here.”

Yunho’s sheepish laugh stopped Jaejoong’s panic spiral in its tracks. “Oh, sorry. Really busy right now. I’ll see you tomorrow morning.” He paused, then teased, “I’m not mad at you, goodness.”

Jaejoong had never understood how Yunho could always soothe him so easily. Just a few words or a hug from him, and Jaejoong almost forgot what he was so worried about to begin with. “I know, I just got stressed. Sorry. See you?”

“Mmm. See you,” Yunho said before hanging up.

The next morning, Jaejoong walked out of his room in a bit of a daze. His impending presentation had sort of taken over his brain, and it took him a second to realize that Yunho was sitting at their table. The steam from his tea was curling up into his hair, and he was looking at Jaejoong with a strangely intense expression on his face.

“What?” Jaejoong asked, startled.

Yunho put his mug down. “Good morning to you, too. Is something happening today? You look…” His eyes trailed up Jaejoong’s collared shirt, and Jaejoong felt his cheeks flush. “You look very nice.”

Despite himself, Jaejoong smiled. Why couldn’t _he_ casually tell Yunho when he looked nice? It seemed so easy. “Thank you. I have a presentation today.” Then Yunho’s gaze dropped to the table, and a very familiar urge rose in Jaejoong.

Oh, right. That was why. Yunho continued, oblivious. “Do you put on cologne already?” Jaejoong shook his head. “I have a fancy one, if you want. It makes me feel all, you know.” He waved his hand as though summoning the right words. “Powerful. And hot.” Jaejoong’s fingers curled around the back of the chair he was standing behind. He already felt hot, what with how Yunho had looked at him.

“Okay,” he accepted, his voice a little shaky. He should prepare himself for what was coming next, because Yunho was getting up, clearly intending to lead Jaejoong into his room for the cologne.

It was funny, because in high school, Jaejoong had spent a lot of time in Yunho’s childhood bedroom studying or playing videogames. He had a lot of warm, cozy memories from those times. Now, every time Yunho led Jaejoong to his room, he felt warm in a completely different way. _Forget the cologne, Yunho,_ he thought, looking at Yunho’s back as he walked. _Let me kiss you, on your bed._

Yunho’s room had rows and rows of small paper cranes hanging across the ceiling, and the whole time Jaejoong had helped him put them up he’d daydreamed about kissing Yunho under them. It all looked so lovely. Whenever Jaejoong saw the cranes, he itched to have the skilled hands that made them touch his skin. Yunho had folded all one thousand cranes in the end, because he never did anything halfway once he set his mind to it. He kept a box with the rest of them in his closet, switching out the cranes on his ceiling as he wished.

He had also never told Jaejoong what his wish was, and Jaejoong had stopped asking. It was only fair. After all, if Yunho knew his wishes, their friendship would be ruined.

Yunho was holding a perfume bottle with light blue liquid inside. “Close your eyes and walk through it in three…” he grinned, and Jaejoong’s heart fluttered. “Two, one.” He puffed a cloud of shimmering cologne droplets into the air, and Jaejoong closed his eyes and walked. Then he spun around a little, because it really did smell very good.

When he opened his eyes, Yunho was standing much closer. Jaejoong breathed deeply, trying to calm down. Then Yunho leaned down to sniff Jaejoong’s shoulder, his eyes closed. “Well, what do you know. You _do_ smell hot.” The words made Jaejoong feel like he was dissolving.

If he kissed Yunho right now, his soft, full lips would taste like whatever tea he’d been drinking, Jaejoong thought dreamily. Couldn’t Yunho hear how his heart was pounding?

But of course he couldn’t, and now he was carefully fixing Jaejoong’s collar, touching his hair. Jaejoong felt dizzy with want. Oh, what he wouldn’t do for just one kiss from the man in front of him. Wasn’t this what Jaejoong had watched his parents do when he was younger? His mother would fix his father’s tie and collar, and then she would turn around and his father would help her put on her necklace. Then they’d kiss, and Jaejoong would look away, feeling embarrassed but hoping he’d have what they did when he grew up. A love so strong and steady that they still went on dates after years and years of being together, still kissed each other gentle and slow, as if nobody else existed.

Yunho straightened and took a step back, taking Jaejoong’s breath with him. “Done, done. Go to class, you’ll do great.”

Enough was enough, Jaejoong decided as he walked outside. He should tell Yunho, even if it didn’t end the way he wanted it to. He had meant what he said, three years ago. He really did trust Yunho, with every cell in his body. They could figure it out. Jaejoong could move out, or even manage to go back to just being friends with Yunho and wanting nothing else. If it turned out he needed to move on, he needed to start now. For both of them. Yunho was wonderful, and caring, and smart. Surely there was someone who could make him feel the way he made Jaejoong feel. And when he found that person, Jaejoong should feel happy for him, not jealous.

He thought again about the way Yunho had looked at him this morning, the way he stood close and told him the cologne made him smell hot. Did he maybe have a chance, after all?


	6. Birthday

Chapter 6

Jaejoong downed his bottle of soju, wondering if it was defective somehow. He couldn’t feel any burn in his throat whatsoever. Then he looked at the three empty bottles in front of him and hazily wondered if he wasn’t the defective one in this equation.

It made sense, didn’t it? Yunho’s parents set him up on blind dates around once or twice a month, and Yunho went along with it, because firstly, he wasn’t dating anyone currently anyway, and secondly, his parents would stop helping with rent if he didn’t. In the end, Jaejoong hadn’t really needed to confess at all. The only thing that made it feel less awful was that Yunho wasn’t enjoying the blind dates either. His parents kept forcing him to go, because marrying into someone of their social class (just a bit above middle class) or a higher class (what his parents hoped for) was apparently a long process that had to be started now. And every time, because Jaejoong was an idiot, he helped Yunho get ready for the dates and waited for him to get back so he could listen to Yunho complain. It hurt, but he couldn’t stop doing it.

According to Yunho, the matches were for the most part very attractive, well-off, and quite nice. He just wasn’t interested in any of them, and didn’t want to think about marriage yet, either. Strangely, as Jaejoong sat on the couch with Yunho talking to him about the dates, he related to these women he had never met. They were all on one side, on the receiving end of Yunho’s charm, perfect manners, and general handsomeness. And none of them could have it for themselves.

It was just that Jaejoong had spent a longer time wanting Yunho than they had. The real Yunho, not the weird one-dimensional list of facts his prospective dates had been presented with. However attracted they were to him during their one or two hours together, it couldn’t compare to what Jaejoong felt. Yunho was just a stop on a planned trip for them. Not that he was entirely opposed to arranged dates. If he had met Yunho through a blind date, he probably would’ve known how he felt much sooner. The whole predicament Jaejoong was in now largely resulted from him not realizing Yunho was an option in the first place.

So here he was, drinking alone on Saturday night in their apartment because tomorrow was his birthday. His real birthday, the one nobody knew about besides his family. And Yunho had a date tomorrow. Usually Jaejoong was obsessive about trying to spend time with other people instead of wasting it on pining. But all he wanted right now was to dream of Yunho without feeling guilty, since he couldn’t spend his birthday with him. Just tonight, he would let himself dream of tousled black hair and long elegant fingers and soft lips against his skin.

When Jaejoong emerged from his room at noon the next day, he felt Yunho watching him as he moved around the kitchen. Yunho looked unacceptably adorable, sitting at the table with his homework, wearing his round glasses to give his eyes a break from contacts. It was moments like these that allowed Jaejoong to pretend they were really a couple living together. Weakened from his headache, he indulged that idea a little, sinking into the chair opposite Yunho’s.

Yunho looked back down at his papers. “What’s wrong?”

“Who says anything’s wrong?” Jaejoong asked, procrastinating. How could he even begin to answer that question?

Yunho lifted his head, studying Jaejoong as though he was a calculus problem that needed solving. “Me. Because you’re staring.” Jaejoong took a sip of his tea. He wanted to be difficult just so Yunho would keep talking.

“Are you saying I stare at you when something’s wrong?”

Yunho stuck his tongue out at him, then returned to his work. “No, you stare off into the distance, and right now,” he waved his hand in front of him to indicate the space between them, “I’m in the distance.”

Jaejoong took a small amount of pleasure in knowing Yunho was wrong about this. He stared at Yunho quite frequently, not just when he was conveniently in front of him, and often made it a game to do it without getting caught. For him, Yunho was best observed from the side, so he didn’t have to worry about controlling how besotted he looked.

Not for the first time, Jaejoong imagined what the women Yunho was set up with got to see on their first and only dates. His mind was numb from alcohol, his thoughts slow and syrupy. He felt warmed from the thought of Yunho opening doors for him, pulling out a chair for him to sit. Yunho would look gorgeous during a candlelit dinner, Jaejoong knew. In a different way than he did now, with the harsh sunlight coming in through the windows and highlighting his forehead and cheekbones. The candlelight would make his skin glow, bring out the sparkle in his eyes. And every time he smiled, the setting would make it seem intimate, as though he smiled only for Jaejoong.

Suddenly, Jaejoong wanted to tell Yunho what day it was. Nobody outside his family knew his real birthday, and he hadn’t minded before. He still had one that he celebrated and got gifts on, after all. When he started college, he hadn’t thought about telling anyone, even though the whole adoption situation mattered far less here than it did in high school. But right now, it seemed that since he was keeping such a massive secret from Yunho, he shouldn’t add more to the list. The math behind this principle didn’t work out, though. Telling Yunho all manner of embarrassing stories or secrets wouldn’t make up for hiding his feelings from him, because everything paled in comparison to how badly he wanted Yunho.

He sighed. If anything, the pure shock on Yunho’s face would be entertaining. He could trust Yunho to keep his secret, too. There wasn’t a better first person to tell. “Today’s my birthday.”

Yunho’s pencil paused on the paper, but he didn’t look up. “No it’s not, it’s not even February yet.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s January 26th. My birthday. Sooyoung’s birthday is in February.”

He was smiling, and when Yunho looked up, he smiled too, even though he was obviously confused. “Yeah, Sooyoung. Your twin. As in the one you share a birthday with?”

Jaejoong leaned forward and whispered, as though they were co-conspirators. “Sooyoung’s not my twin. I’m adopted.” Yunho’s jaw dropped, and he leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms and shaking his head.

“No, what? No way… Jaejoong, the school had February 4th as your birthday. I- you-” His mouth snapped shut. Then he tried again. “Are you messing with me?”

Jaejoong laughed, then looked down. He felt vulnerable for some reason. “No, it’s the truth. My family just hides it with me, I don’t like people knowing. People are so obsessed with lineage and ancestry stuff, and I don’t like them looking at me like ‘oh, that poor kid, he doesn’t know anything about his _real_ family.’ Or people feeling like they suddenly don’t know me.” Yunho had pressed his lips together, trying to let Jaejoong say everything he wanted to. Jaejoong knew that Yunho was swallowing back the questions he had, just because he wanted to do what was best for Jaejoong, and Jaejoong loved him for it. More than Yunho would ever know.

“Am I… am I the first person you’ve told?” Jaejoong nodded. “Is there something you want, for today?”

 _So many things, Yunho. Oh, I want so much…_ Jaejoong thought fondly. It was his turn to do what was best for Yunho. “No, and you have a date, remember? I just wanted to tell you.”

Yunho picked up his phone. “No, no I don’t, not anymore. I’ll back out, if you want to do something. We can just watch a movie, or go out, whatever you want. I won’t talk about it all, if it bothers you. It’s just…” He locked eyes with Jaejoong from across the table. “It’s your day, you know.”

This was the best first real birthday ever, Jaejoong was sure. “Would you really? Cancel the date? What if she’s _the one?_ ” He teased, feeling touched. Yunho laughed bitterly.

“That’s a chance I’m willing to take, because I’m very sure she’s not. I’ve never cancelled before, my parents won’t get suspicious unless I keep doing it. What do you say?” He shook the phone in his hand, clearly waiting for Jaejoong to let him cancel.

Jaejoong felt a familiar mix of gratitude and love swirl in his chest, forming the thought that he would never be able to convey how important Yunho’s actions were to him. “Okay. Thank you… you didn’t have to.” Yunho looked at him, a bemused expression on his face.

“I’ve been celebrating the wrong birthday all these years. I have to start making up for it right now! Happy birthday, Jaejoong. Happy real birthday.”

After getting ice cream and eating dinner at the fried chicken place they’d discovered their first week of college, Jaejoong fell asleep while watching movies with Yunho.

He woke up tucked neatly into his own bed. Then he rolled over and spent a few minutes staring at the ceiling of his room. Jaejoong was convinced he couldn’t remember ever feeling more cared for and content than he did right now.


	7. Stray

Chapter 7

The door opened, hitting Jaejoong in the back. “Sorry, sorry,” he mumbled, moving out of the way. Yunho started to apologize too, but Jaejoong covered his mouth with his hand before pulling it away in embarrassment. Then he went back to squatting, watching the stray cat in their hallway eat the tuna he had just set down.

Yunho squatted next to him. “It’s back?” He whispered. Thankfully, the cat ignored the two men staring at it and continued to lap at the food.

Jaejoong nodded. “Look, isn’t it cute?” He wanted to pet it, but the cat probably didn’t like him well enough yet. But bribing with food had worked on all his nephews and nieces, so he hoped it would work here, too.

“I hate to be that guy, but if you keep doing this, other cats will come, and-” The cat turned its head towards them, and Yunho cut himself off. Jaejoong knew this perfectly well too, but he had always had a big weakness for strays. He probably shouldn’t tell Yunho that he’d bought tuna specifically for this cat, after he saw it outside their apartment last week. The cat’s coat was complicated, too, a mix of orange and black that Jaejoong hadn’t known the name for. Until he’d looked it up.

“It’s called a tortoiseshell cat,” he explained to Yunho, feeling a little proud.

Yunho humored him. “Really, now? And how long until you name it?” Jaejoong pouted. It was his natural reflex to Yunho’s teasing.

“I’ll only leave food once a week, alright? Wait, don’t look at it, I think it’s coming here.”

The cat brushed against Jaejoong’s leg, and he couldn’t stop smiling as he petted it. Yunho kept his hands to himself, even though he was sitting close by. “Come on, you try. Unless you’re allergic?” He realized he didn’t know. Yunho shook his head.

“No, I’m not. Don’t wanna scare it.” The cat rubbed up against his hand, and Jaejoong beamed. “Look, it likes me.” It was purring now, too. “You’re so cute, yes you are,” he cooed to the cat.

After another minute of this, Jaejoong remembered his manners. “How was your day?”

“Good. Long. How did we ever spend all day at school? I couldn’t do it now, for sure.” Yunho kept whispering, still cautious of the object of Jaejoong’s attention. Jaejoong chuckled in agreement, his mind suddenly unable to handle words.

This had probably happened to Jaejoong hundreds of times, in his estimation. Yet he still didn’t understand the mechanics of it at all. One second, he would be sharing an ordinary, friendly moment with Yunho, one not unlike the many they had shared during the first three and a half years of high school. Back when Jaejoong had been blissfully unaware of the feelings taking hold inside him. Innocuous happenings, like standing at the sink brushing their teeth together, or doing their homework at the table, or walking around at the grocery store. And suddenly, Jaejoong’s entire world would narrow to the sound of Yunho’s breathing, the feeling of being next to him. It made his hair stand on end, and it didn’t make sense at all. Where was the sensation on his skin coming from, when they weren’t even touching? The air felt heavy, and the sudden hypersensitivity made him feel restless. Jaejoong’s whole body would tense with the need to be _closer,_ as if the feeling of Yunho’s skin against his would fix this, fix him, which was utterly ridiculous. How could he know that, when he had never even kissed him?

It was happening now, as Yunho recapped his day and the sound of his whispering ghosted across Jaejoong’s skin. He knew what was going to happen, because it been the same for the last two years. He would try to act normal, and the feeling would pass in a minute or so. And if it didn’t, he would find some way to leave, or at least put some distance between them. Later, if he was tired enough, the whole scene would play out in his dreams, except Jaejoong would make it play out differently. This was how Jaejoong knew with complete certainty what he wanted to do right now. He wanted to press his confessions into Yunho’s skin, just to tell him, just to have him finally know. He wanted to tell him stupid things that weren’t even confessions. He wanted to tell Yunho that he noticed his constant efforts to be neater, his obsession with strawberry desserts, the scent of his shampoo. As if to make Yunho realize that Jaejoong _saw_ him, as if to prove that he could take care of him. That ever since he had met Yunho, he had been working to earn his secrets, his trust, his friendship, his love, even before he had known that was what he craved.

“If I get up, will I scare it?” Yunho asked, breaking Jaejoong’s train of thought. “I’m gonna start dinner.”

Jaejoong shot him a perplexed look. “You’re gonna do what, now?” To say Yunho was not good at cooking was an understatement. He was better described as a complete fire hazard in the kitchen. Yunho shoved Jaejoong lightly, and the brief contact sent his heart skittering across the floor.

“I know how to start, and…” Yunho looked pointedly at the cat. “You’re busy, anyway.”

“I won’t feed them every day, or try to keep it, really.” Jaejoong mumbled. “I just like strays, they… they’re like me, a little.”

He could feel Yunho looking at him. He knew the conversation wouldn’t continue until he looked up, too. So he did, after he braced himself for the gentle, concerned look he knew he would see in Yunho’s eyes. “Jaejoong… you know you’re very loved, don’t you? Your family _adores_ you, and-” Yunho sighed, as though his words weren’t coming out properly. “Just know that, okay? And if it still bothers you, if you think it’ll help… I can help you search for them.”

 _Oh, Yunho._ Was it perhaps a curse to be this wonderful? Who could ever deserve someone like Jung Yunho? How could Jaejoong ever make Yunho feel the way he did right now? “I… I know. It does bother me, but just a little.” He smiled at Yunho, hoping to erase the worried look on his face. “Thank you. For my birthday, too.” _And our field trip, and our graduation, and every day since you decided to be my friend…_

It worked. Yunho’s expression eased, and he got up slowly, watching the cat the entire time. After Yunho went back inside, Jaejoong exhaled sharply, and the cat looked up at him. _Wow_ , Jaejoong thought wryly. _Even this cat knows, doesn’t it?_

He carefully picked up the warm ball of fur. “You better be nice to him,” Jaejoong murmured to the cat, just to say something. It was a completely empty threat. “The one who just got up. I love him.”

The cat continued purring, having no idea that this was Jaejoong’s first time admitting it out loud. He closed his eyes and sighed deeply, letting the words settle around them. “I love him, I love him, what do I do?”


	8. Competition

Chapter 8

Jaejoong was startled awake by a loud thud near the door. Yunho had gone on another blind date, and the last time he had been conscious, it was nearing midnight and Yunho still hadn’t come home. He blinked a few times, realizing he had fallen asleep on the couch waiting.

But Yunho was back now, and taking forever to remove his shoes. How could someone look beautiful even in the dark? The nice shirt and jeans he was wearing accented his silhouette, and Jaejoong took a moment to admire his broad shoulders, his long legs.

He hoped Yunho would go straight to his room and not notice him, because he had never come back this late. Jaejoong guessed that meant the date had gone well, and he didn’t know if he had the energy to congratulate him right now. But then Yunho stumbled a little, and Jaejoong shot up from the couch. His instincts put the pieces together before his brain figured it out. Yunho was drunk.

Jaejoong was shocked. Yunho would never get both himself and a woman he had just met get absolutely wasted on a first date. He hated having people see him like that. He was also probably physically incapable of letting himself go so far that he wouldn’t be able to see that the date got home. Trying to understand how the sight in front of him was possible, Jaejoong froze up, and Yunho took his spot on the couch.

“Oh no you don’t,” Jaejoong admonished, reaching for Yunho’s arm. “Let’s go to your room.”

Another shocking thing: Yunho swatted his arm away. “Mmm. Jaejoong, stop.” Jaejoong tried again, this time sitting on the couch before reaching for him.

“Why’re you drunk, is your date drunk too?” He whispered, trying to distract Yunho so he wouldn’t push him away again. Yunho dodged Jaejoong’s arm by leaning completely sideways and putting his head in Jaejoong’s lap, which had the effect of stopping Jaejoong’s breathing at once.

Having no other option, Jaejoong let his hand rest on Yunho’s shoulder. A strong sense of panic washed over him. If Jaejoong didn't do something, Yunho was going to fall asleep right here, and he wouldn’t have to be embarrassed when he woke up, because by then Jaejoong would probably be dead from forgetting to inhale.

Yunho had finished figuring out Jaejoong’s question. “No, drank after.” Jaejoong shouldn’t keep asking questions, it was taking advantage. But he was worried, so it slipped out.

“Why? Was it that bad?”

There was a pause, and the question wavered in the air. _You shouldn’t hope it went badly,_ Jaejoong chided himself.

Then Yunho sighed. “No, she was perfect.” He turned in Jaejoong’s lap to look at him, and Jaejoong automatically slid his hand under Yunho’s head before he could stop himself. This was too many emotions for one person to feel at once.

But oh, his hair was soft, and Jaejoong moved his fingers through it carefully, not wanting to pull it. Yunho held his arms out, as though he wanted a hug. “My room, please.”

_Huh? My brain broke, didn’t it?_

The man lying down in his lap rambled on in the manner of someone who was so drunk, they couldn’t tell which thoughts they were saying out loud. “Take me to my room, Jaejoong,” Yunho let his arms drop and closed his eyes. “Know you can… you’re stronger than me… remember, at the gym…”

All the heartbreak Jaejoong was processing vanished immediately. Yunho wanted Jaejoong to carry him to his bed. Not only that, but now he had forced Jaejoong to remember the gym.

They had worked out together once, and Jaejoong did have a vague memory of lifting more weight than Yunho. Mostly, though, his only memory of that day was the surprisingly deep attraction it had aroused in him. Which was why he was never going to the gym with Yunho again. Jaejoong could be downright moronic about Yunho, which was obvious from the fact that he had chosen to live with someone he had a massive crush on. Maybe he liked pain more than he should, too, because sometimes he did things like feeding Yunho pieces of food with his own chopsticks, enjoying the sight of Yunho’s lips on them. But even he knew that to willingly endure another workout with Yunho was a terrible, terrible idea. Jaejoong had never in his entire life found sweat enticing. Yet that day, nothing had existed besides his wish to drag Yunho into the shower, so he could kiss the curve of his biceps and lick the sweat from his collarbones.

This had to stop, Jaejoong decided, as he watched Yunho fall asleep. He needed to move out. He would tell Yunho that tomorrow. Or technically today. Holding his unrequited love inside was one thing. Doing that and watching Yunho date whoever he had just met was impossible.

In the end, because Jaejoong could never refuse Yunho anything, he carried Yunho to his bed and tucked him in, desperately wishing to kiss him on the forehead.

Yunho came out of his room around noon, but Jaejoong knew he had woken up hours earlier, because he had heard the shower running through the haze of sleep. Jaejoong served him food and watched him eat while he thought of what he was going to say. He didn’t have to say exactly why he needed to move out, did he?

He repressed a sigh. Spoiling and fussing over Yunho when he was sick or hungover was one of his favorite things to do, and watching Yunho sip at his soup contentedly made him feel warm. Oh, how he would miss this.

“Do you feel alright?” Jaejoong asked quietly, in case Yunho had a headache.

Yunho shook his head. “No, that was earlier. I’m totally fine now. I didn’t drink all that much, you know,” he said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. Jaejoong smiled, remembering how much of a lightweight Yunho was. He should say it now, before the inevitable date recap came.

“Yunho, I need to tell you something.”

His roommate took a sip from his spoon, then motioned for him to continue. “I have to move out.”

Yunho froze completely, and their apartment was completely silent for a full minute. Jaejoong wondered whether he had actually said the words out loud. Then Yunho leaned forward a little, staring at Jaejoong as though he was looking for something. “Why? Did I do something last night?”

“No, I-”

“Are you sure? You can tell me, I’m serious.” Jaejoong squinted in confusion. What was Yunho worried he did?

If Yunho started trying to negotiate with him, he would give in. He got up from the table, and Yunho looked up, his eyes following Jaejoong’s. “You didn’t do anything, I swear. I just have to, okay?”

It was probably rude, but he didn’t know what else to do, so he walked into his room and closed the door.

Yunho burst into Jaejoong’s room without even knocking, which Jaejoong had not seen coming at all. He closed the door behind him and leaned against it, as though he was worried Jaejoong would try to push past him. “Tell me the reason,” he commanded. Then his tone softened. “I can’t promise I won’t argue, but… shouldn’t I know?”

When Jaejoong rehearsed his lies, he wasn’t too bad at it. Not that he lied very often, but still. Sometimes things had to be hidden from people. But he hadn’t thought of a convincing excuse, and he wasn’t even sure he could lie to Yunho. Still, he couldn’t very well say the real reason. “You’re gonna keep going out with the girl from last night, and if she’s here all the time-”

“Okay, what are you talking about? I’m not gonna date Mina.” Who? Oh, right.

“Um. You said she was perfect, Yunho.”

Yunho laughed bitterly, and Jaejoong had no clue what that was about. “Yeah, but I’m not going out with her.” This was making increasingly less sense, but at least now Jaejoong had a weird puzzle to distract him. Yunho had other ideas, though. “You shouldn’t lie to someone who can tell, Jaejoong.”

Jaejoong got the sense that Yunho was angry. His voice had turned hard, and he stepped closer. Jaejoong backed up automatically, but Yunho followed him. “I’m not lying-”

“Don’t. You are! You wouldn’t move out over that, and come on. I wouldn’t have someone over all the time if it bothered you.”

Jaejoong was feeling increasingly frustrated. He wanted Yunho to leave so he could be in his room alone, and he wanted to be able to breathe normally around him, and, “You’d go out with one of them eventually, anyway,” he blurted out, needing to say something to keep Yunho from advancing closer.

It didn’t work. “No, I wouldn’t, and that’s the not the point. Why. Are. You. Leaving.” Yunho was too close now.

“Because…” Jaejoong started. Then, in a last-ditch effort, his brain summoned a memory from years ago. “Look, remember with Jiwon?”

Blessedly, Yunho stopped moving closer. “What?” He frowned. “Lee Jiwon? From high school?”

“Yeah,” Jaejoong said, not even sure where he was going with this. All he knew was he was keeping a secret from Yunho, and he could only think of one time Yunho had kept one from him. One that he felt he had the right to know, anyway. “You wouldn’t tell me why you hit him, and you said we shouldn’t talk to him anymore. And I trusted you,” he paused. “I trust you, so I did it and didn’t ask… can you just trust me on this? I have to move out, alright?”

Yunho pressed his lips together and slowly exhaled through his nose. “It’s not the same thing. But if I tell you why we fought, will you tell me why you’re leaving?” Seeing Yunho so upset was breaking Jaejoong’s heart so badly he almost wanted to tell him, just to make it stop.

He sighed. “I can’t tell you.”

“He was being mean to you,” Yunho burst out. Jaejoong opened his mouth, about to tell him that Yunho didn’t have to explain. “No, I want to tell you. I didn’t think you still remembered. He was talking to whoever was next to him, and he said some things about you, and I lost it.”

Jaejoong didn’t know what to say. Yunho had endured several days of gossip and pointed stares, just for his sake. Yunho had done what was possibly the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for him, and at the time Jaejoong hadn’t even known how he felt. Jaejoong knew he shouldn’t ask what exactly Jiwon had said, because the only reason Yunho would hide it from him was if he thought it would hurt him. Maybe he would ask Yunho later, if there even was a later. “You didn’t have to-”

“I know I didn’t,” Yunho sighed. “I shouldn’t have, actually. Punched him, I mean. Still had to do something, obviously.” He looked at Jaejoong, pleading, stepping closer again. “Is there anything I can do? To get you to tell me?”

Jaejoong gave up. He really would never be able to deny Yunho anything, would he? And he was so unbearably close, and, well, if he was going to be so annoyingly insistent on knowing…

He closed the distance between them and kissed Yunho, hard. Then he felt Yunho go completely still. He broke the kiss, backing away.

But Yunho followed him yet again, and this time he gripped Jaejoong’s hips and pushed him up against the wall. Then they were kissing, really kissing, Jaejoong tasting the soup he had made on Yunho’s lips, Yunho sighing into his mouth. Yunho’s freshly showered hair was soft and slightly damp between Jaejoong’s fingers, and he thought he might collapse soon. And, oh, the sounds Yunho made when Jaejoong tasted him slowly, sliding his tongue across the roof of his mouth. Jaejoong wanted to listen to them all day.

Yunho pulled away a little, forcing them to kiss more chastely, and Jaejoong made a small noise of disappointment. Then he realized Yunho fully intended to keep kissing him, he just wanted to mumble into Jaejoong’s neck as he did. “So… you wanted to leave… because…?” He sucked at a sensitive spot on Jaejoong’s throat. Jaejoong squeezed his eyes shut.

“I love you- oh…” He forgot what he was saying for just a second. “I’m… in love with you,” he managed to finish, his voice shaky.

Yunho came back up so he could look into Jaejoong’s eyes, the way he always did when he was saying something important. “I’m in love with you, too.” And while Jaejoong’s heart stuttered, he reached up and undid just one button on Jaejoong’s shirt. “I’m so sorry about the dates… I didn’t know you felt it too-” Jaejoong cut in.

“Um. I forgive you,” he said, in the tone of someone who wasn’t angry in the first place.

The gentle, fond smile on Yunho’s face gave way to a smirk. “I bet I was in love with you first.” Jaejoong laughed a little. Had he really? How had he survived feeling that way for so long?

“It’s not a competition, Yunho.” He brought his thumb up to trace Yunho’s bottom lip.

Yunho shook his head a little. “No, I know that, I mean… I need to show you something.” He took Jaejoong’s hand and squeezed. “Come on, wanna kiss you on my bed after.” Then he blushed, and Jaejoong had never seen him look so adorable, so he let Yunho drag him to his room.

Yunho made a beeline for his nightstand, and when he turned around, he was holding a red paper crane out to Jaejoong. “Do you know what this is?”

Jaejoong accepted the crane on reflex. “A paper crane?” Yunho laughed and sat on his bed, so Jaejoong joined him, turning the paper over in his hand. This one looked familiar to him, somehow. But there were just so many, he couldn’t put a finger on what it was.

“It’s the first one I showed you, in my room. I never told you what they were for.”

Ah. Jaejoong touched the nose of the crane to Yunho’s nose, just as he had back then. “What was your wish?”

“You.”

It was such a small word, Jaejoong thought maybe he had misheard. But then he looked at Yunho, saw the way he was looking at him, and he knew what he had heard. Yunho really had known first. At least a few months earlier than Jaejoong, in fact. He set the crane down on Yunho’s nightstand, trying to translate the emotions swirling in his chest into words.

Yunho continued talking, looking down at his hands. “You weren’t mine to ask for, but I did anyway… we were supposed to think of our futures and I just. I couldn’t imagine mine without you in it.” Jaejoong slid his hand into Yunho’s and squeezed. “I wished for you, in whatever way you would have me.”

He really was loved. Yunho had been right back then, as he looked Jaejoong in the eyes and told him as much. He was more loved than he had even known.

Jaejoong let go of Yunho’s hand and kissed him instead. Then he broke away, pulling Yunho onto the bed and making him lie down. He already knew one way Yunho liked to be kissed, so he tried it, and Yunho moaned.

“You like that, don’t you,” he murmured, feeling incredibly fond. Yunho’s eyes stayed shut, but he made a noise of agreement. “God, I don’t deserve you… I should’ve realized so much sooner.” He sucked at Yunho’s neck, remembering how good it had felt a few minutes earlier. “I’ll make it up to you forever, promise.”

He felt Yunho arch up into him, and it felt as good as what he was saying. “Can’t believe you didn’t- mmm, babe, that’s… oh, notice me staring-” Jaejoong laughed a little in shock, moving back up to kiss Yunho’s forehead.

“You didn’t notice me staring, either,” he said, playing with the edge of Yunho’s t-shirt. “I always thought you were the most handsome, even before.”

Yunho’s eyes widened. “Are you serious?” He slid his hand up Jaejoong’s chest, then slowly back down, unbuttoning his shirt as he went. Then they stopped talking, because Yunho sat up and kissed Jaejoong while sliding the fabric off his shoulders.

Jaejoong wanted to touch too, so he let Yunho run his hands up and down his back and kissed him until he couldn’t take it anymore, and then he gently shoved Yunho away so he could pull off his shirt. Yunho tried to go back to the kissing, but Jaejoong pushed him into the pillows.

“You’re so hot,” Jaejoong said, because it was true. It was the only thought he could have, being so close to a shirtless Yunho. Yunho was breathing hard, and Jaejoong trailed kisses up his ribcage. He had imagined this for so long, and it was still better than he had ever known it would be.

Yunho was speaking fast, his voice faltering and breathless. “Oh, babe, you drive me insane…” He sucked in a sharp gulp of air as Jaejoong swiped his tongue over a nipple. “Do it again, _oh_.”

Jaejoong felt woozy with happiness and the feeling of his bare chest against Yunho’s. He’d gotten what he’d so desperately wanted when they first moved in together, he realized. He was really kissing Yunho, on his bed, under the swoop of the beautifully folded cranes.

And every single crane suspended above them had been made for him.


End file.
